The Totes Ridictionary: Excerpted in Sunday Times Style Magazine

Balthazar Cohen, Totes Ridictionary, Sunday Times Style

Fame at last! The Totes Ridictionary experiences the giddy thrill of appearing in a national newspaper supplement.

Thrillingly, The Totes Ridictionary was excerpted in the Sunday Times Style magazine’s 29th December 2013 issue, jostling for readers’ attention among pages crammed with celebrities on red carpets and articles about the winsome fabulosity of juice diets. (And yes, being on-trend is every bit as gratifying as Alexa Chung would have us believe.)

Those of you flamboyantly middle-class enough to have a Times subscription can read the sub-edited extravaganza in full here. Look out for some of the tweet-speakin’ pets from The Totes Ridictionary appearing next to Style editor Tiffanie Darke’s letter at the front of forthcoming issues of the magazine.

Also, a grateful shout-out to all the devoted Totes Ridicheads who uploaded shots of their hot pink stocking-fillers to Instagram. You make getting out of bed in the morning that little bit less unbearable.

Now to run a scalding bath, and wash away the stains wrought by such shameless self-promotion.

Totes Ridictionary, Instagram

The Totes Ridictionary revels in an orgy of Instagram-assisted approval.

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The Totes Ridictionary: The Book Is Coming

Like so many finger-on-the-pulse blogs before it, The Totes Ridictionary has become a book. A perfect gift for the discerning Totes Ridichead in your life, it features a comprehensive glossary of slang that’ll help you sort the “jel” from the “awks”, correctly identify what’s “perf” and what’s “tradge”, and know how to react if someone describes you as “gorge” or “cray-cray”. Plus: lots of glossy illustrations of classic films given the totes-ridic treatment, as well as sections devoted to internet-addicted pets and smartphone-savvy pop art. Not to mention the Twitter conversations of history and literature’s most argumentative couples.

Below, you can see a selection of spreads from the book, which will be available from mid-October, and is pre-orderable from all reputable online retailers now. Click on the images for full-size action.

The Totes Ridictionary

The Totes Ridictionary

The Totes Ridictionary

The Totes Ridictionary

The Totes Ridictionary

The Totes Ridictionary

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Claire Danes as Angela Chase.

“Brian Krakow? Whatevs.”

“Whateverrrr” was the defining catchphrase of mid-’90s adolescence, and now reliably invokes a roll-call of the era’s better-known bored youths: Bart Simpson, Cher Horowitz from Clueless, Angela Chase from My So-Called Life, and, er, Beavis and Butt-head. Whatevs is the illogical progression of that blasé, dismissive sentiment, sometimes shortened even further by zeitgeist-chasers to whevs.

You say it to your parents, to your teachers, to your friends, to the bartender who refuses to serve you without ID. You don’t care, not really. You don’t need their money, their rules, their companionship, their alcohol. Welcome to a town named Couldn’t Give A Fuck. Population: you.

“He was all, ‘I don’t even like you enough to put up with this shit.’ And I was all, ‘Whatevs.’”

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Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwen-Palts. Totes imports.

Nothing to do with goods and produce – including pillars of civilization like iPhones, condoms and red wine – being imported from one country to another, imports is tweetable shorthand for important. Imports decisions you encounter on a daily basis include choosing what kind of Instagram filters to use on photos of your lunch (e.g. will this pizza look more tantalizing in Lo-Fi or Nashville?), and whether or not to mark yourself down as “attending” on the Facebook party event of that weird drunk guy you met once and feel a bit sorry for, even though you know your presence is about as likely as Gwyneth Paltrow being humble while eating McDonald’s.

“He’s not answering his phone and we’re completely out of gluten-free waffles! This is totes imports!”

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Forever. Forevs.

“Christ, it feels like I’ve been in this meeting forevs.”

“Forever,” as Wendy Darling from Peter Pan sagely observed, “is an awfully long time.” (So precocious, that Wendy; Edwardian England’s very own Hannah Montana.) These days, a hip young pre-teen like Wends would’ve kicked that last er to the kerb and said forevs. Things of note that seem to last forevs include the films of Peter Jackson, flights to Australia, family Christmases, and k-holes.

“And then all the Hobbits started saying goodbye to each other AGAIN. I swear, that film went on forevs.”

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Make the wrong impresh at work. Suffer the consequences.

Making the wrong impresh can make life totes awks.

As the saying goes, you only get one chance to make a first impresh – whether you’re at a job interview, on a first date, or encountering new neighbours. Common advice given regarding the making of a first impression is to “just be yourself”. It goes without saying that this is an utter crock of shit, and you should go out of your way to be anything or anyone but yourself unless you want to end up alone, unemployed, or doing jail time.

“I kinda got the impresh that she wasn’t that into me… She said she was going to the toilet and didn’t come back.”

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Morrissey and his quiff, March 1984.

“What diffs does it make?”

Morrissey and his generation-defining quiff once pertinently enquired, “What difference does it make?” Had Twitter existed in 1984, the Mozfather might’ve sung, “What diffs does it make?” (FYI: the short answer is either “none”, “some”, or “lots”, depending on how existentially adrift you are.)

Where once you found different or difference, you will now often find diffs. Diffs people, for example, are the unusuals, the individuals, the visionaries, the pioneers. Like Mark Zuckerberg. Or Susan Boyle. They roam free in the blossoming wilds of their own imaginations, rather than surrendering to the dismal grind of running with the pack. Not for them a life of misspelled status updates about hangovers and the shittiness of the daily commute to the job that has left a withered husk where their soul used to be.

“I love that colour on you. It’s so diffs from your yoozh look.”

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Gerard Butler gives good face.

“I’m in an excluse relationship with starring in matchless works of art.”

Things that can be described as excluse (née exclusive) include:

  • Places you want to get into but can’t – like a de rigueur club gakked-up slebs are forever tumbling out of. Or that hot Starbucks barista’s underpants.
  • Monogamous relationships – like the one Gerard Butler has with making brain-searingly awful films.
  • The photograph rights c-list celebrities negotiate with OK! magazine when they get married for the third time.

“The two of us are just having a good time together. We’re not excluse or anything.”

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Suspicious Minds

“We can’t go on togeths / With suspish minds.”

Your spouse is acting suspish – that is to say, suspiciously, which means they’re probably having an affair. WTF! What do you do? Sure, you could confront him/her, and have a frank, mature discussion about your apparently doomed relationship, addressing practical matters – like who’ll get custody of the joint Netflix account when you go your separate ways.

Or you could go through their texts, hack their email account, and scrutinize their Facebook and Twitter messages in search of cold, hard, sexually active proof of this most ultimate of betrayals. Then post compromising photos of them to a revenge-porn site. They’ll be humiliated, or become a media personality, a la Kim Kardashian. Either way, they’ll learn a valuable lesson, which is: never become emotionally attached to a man, woman, beast or child.

“He hasn’t got drunk and pestered me for sex for nearly five days. It’s totes suspish.”

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Kate Moss advertises Calvin Klein's Obsession.

“Obsesh” by Calvs Kleinballs.

If you’ve ever experienced the terrible joy of becoming unhealthily fixated on a song, food, film, book, app or person, you know what it is to revel in the throes of an obsesh – which is how overenthusiastic smartphone-fingerers say obsession in the Snapchat age.

Common teenage obseshes include JBiebs, HStyles, and that one from Union J who looks like he has fillers in his cheeks despite barely having passed through puberty. Common adult obseshes include iPhones, infidelity and glacially-paced Scandinavian crime dramas. Obseshes liable to take hold irrespective of the obseshee’s age include Khaleesi from Game of Thrones, Angry Birds and retweeting dog gifs.

“Hmm. Hummingbird cupcakes are totes my new obsesh.”

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