Your spouse is acting suspish – that is to say, suspiciously, which means they’re probably having an affair. WTF! What do you do? Sure, you could confront him/her, and have a frank, mature discussion about your apparently doomed relationship, addressing practical matters – like who’ll get custody of the joint Netflix account when you go your separate ways.
Or you could go through their texts, hack their email account, and scrutinize their Facebook and Twitter messages in search of cold, hard, sexually active proof of this most ultimate of betrayals. Then post compromising photos of them to a revenge-porn site. They’ll be humiliated, or become a media personality, a la Kim Kardashian. Either way, they’ll learn a valuable lesson, which is: never become emotionally attached to a man, woman, beast or child.
“He hasn’t got drunk and pestered me for sex for nearly five days. It’s totes suspish.”