Gerard Butler gives good face.

“I’m in an excluse relationship with starring in matchless works of art.”

Things that can be described as excluse (née exclusive) include:

  • Places you want to get into but can’t – like a de rigueur club gakked-up slebs are forever tumbling out of. Or that hot Starbucks barista’s underpants.
  • Monogamous relationships – like the one Gerard Butler has with making brain-searingly awful films.
  • The photograph rights c-list celebrities negotiate with OK! magazine when they get married for the third time.

“The two of us are just having a good time together. We’re not excluse or anything.”

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Suspicious Minds

“We can’t go on togeths / With suspish minds.”

Your spouse is acting suspish – that is to say, suspiciously, which means they’re probably having an affair. WTF! What do you do? Sure, you could confront him/her, and have a frank, mature discussion about your apparently doomed relationship, addressing practical matters – like who’ll get custody of the joint Netflix account when you go your separate ways.

Or you could go through their texts, hack their email account, and scrutinize their Facebook and Twitter messages in search of cold, hard, sexually active proof of this most ultimate of betrayals. Then post compromising photos of them to a revenge-porn site. They’ll be humiliated, or become a media personality, a la Kim Kardashian. Either way, they’ll learn a valuable lesson, which is: never become emotionally attached to a man, woman, beast or child.

“He hasn’t got drunk and pestered me for sex for nearly five days. It’s totes suspish.”

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Kate Moss advertises Calvin Klein's Obsession.

“Obsesh” by Calvs Kleinballs.

If you’ve ever experienced the terrible joy of becoming unhealthily fixated on a song, food, film, book, app or person, you know what it is to revel in the throes of an obsesh – which is how overenthusiastic smartphone-fingerers say obsession in the Snapchat age.

Common teenage obseshes include JBiebs, HStyles, and that one from Union J who looks like he has fillers in his cheeks despite barely having passed through puberty. Common adult obseshes include iPhones, infidelity and glacially-paced Scandinavian crime dramas. Obseshes liable to take hold irrespective of the obseshee’s age include Khaleesi from Game of Thrones, Angry Birds and retweeting dog gifs.

“Hmm. Hummingbird cupcakes are totes my new obsesh.”

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Eating's cheating.

“It’s fash, darling. Eating’s cheating.”

If the fash industry were a person, she would be an heiress with zero-percent body fat and fabulous shoes, her eyes radiating ravishing haute couture deadness. Always on the guestlist at the best parties and visibly uninterested in anything you have to say unless your society or industry connections eclipse hers – which they of course never do – the Fashinator abhors animal rights activists and any nutritionists insurrectionist enough to argue that half-chewed toilet paper and a packet-a-day Marlboro Lights habit does not a balanced diet make. But Anna Wintour bloody loves her, so, y’know.

“It’s totes back in fash now.”

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Ryan Gosling

“Hey girl. I was just thinking about feelings. Partics yours.”

If you’re the fussy type, you may spend a lot of time looking for particular things – a perfectly mixed Bloody Mary; an item of clothing that conveys the true depths of your individuality and free spiritedness; friends whose dinner-table conversation doesn’t make you think that Facebook is, in fact, a more than adequate substitute for human interaction.

Thanks to the crushing inevitability of that hyper-modern purgatory otherwise known as the internet, particular or particularly have been divested of a few vowels and are now partics. As in:

“No, you’re totes not listening. ALL of your outfit is horrible – that skirt in partics.”

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Spring Breakers

“Us? Inappropes?”

Whenever Charlie Sheen speaks; whenever Terry Richardson takes a photo; whenever Amanda Bynes sends a tweet, there is a 95% chance that the results will be totes inappropes – totally inappropriate. Like President Clinton’s “relations” with Monica Lewinsky. Or any film made with the involvement of Harmony Korine.

As well as being a great way of finding out which celebrities can’t punctuate worth a damn, Twitter is also a festering hive mind of inappropes sentiments. If someone in the public eye dies, gets arrested, or – better yet – caught in flagrante delicto with a sex worker, said website will gorge on the news like a starving man sinking his teeth into the flesh of a freshly roasted suckling pig. There follows a churning miasma of puns, quips, and droll one-liners. Inappropres, perhaps, but great for da lolz.

“I mean, he used to be her teacher – it’s totes inappropes.”

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Robet Pattinson and Kristen Stewart tie the knot in real life. (Not really, it was for that film.)

RPattz: “We’ll be togeths forevs.” KStew: “Whevs.”

When two young people want to commit to each other online after a prolonged period (i.e. a week) of twirting that progressed to sexting that progressed to Skyping that progressed to “in a relationship with” on Facebook – more binding, in its way, than accidental pregnancy or cohabitation – they might well type: “We’ll be togeths forevs.” Meaning that they’ll be together, forever, in electric dreams. Just like Philip Oakey’s deathless 1984 masterpiece promised.

“ I was wondering if you wanted to go to prom togeths.”

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