The thing no one can ever do the morning after the night before. “Remembs using your credit card to buy a round for the whole bar?” Er… “Remembs when you vommed into your wine glass?” Not… really… “Remembs performing a full-length, a cappella rendition of ‘Bad Romance’ for that homeless guy outside Burger King even though he offered you money to stop?” And so on and so forth.
Usually, these gaping memory blanks are a defense mechanism on the part of your ever-vulnerable ego – or else a regrettable testament to the fact that you can no longer match your 22-year-old self drink for drink. But whatevs, very little of the average individual’s life is actually worth remembering anyway.
Obviously you should consign any Oscar wins and the births of your children to the reinforced steel citadel of your innermost memory banks, but apart from that? The reason you can never recall all the thousands of hours you’ve wasted stood in line at the supermarket or staring dead-eyed at a computer screen is because being able to revisit the barrage of unutterable tedium that makes up most of your existence in any real detail would drive you absolutely batshit crazy.
“Just remembs one thing: never, ever feed them after midnight.”